Monday, October 22, 2007

Voters of 2020 Prepare for My Election

The year 2020 is the first year I'll be eligible for the office of The President of the United States of America*. But why wait. If there is a groundswell of support for my candidacy we could change the constitution to get me in sooner. I'd much rather be president in 2012, when my favorite parts of the country are still above sea level. Of course mis-interpretation of the constitution is much more profuse than actual amendments. In that case I could land the position of Bush-Family-Member In Chief by 2009 if i nail one of the twins.

In any case, I ought to be your president, and you WANT me to be your Decider in Chief. Here's why:

•You'll go from "Government bad" to "Government good." I believe the government should be benevolent whenever possible and never do anything harmful if it can be helped. Think Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics. The only thing the government can know about you is whatever you share in the deca-annual census provided for by the constitution. It won't lock you up or spy on you or kick sand in your face. On the other hand it will give you everything you need from housing to healthcare to puppies. THat's right! The government will give you puppies! And iPods. Seriously i don't know how people live without those.

Guns ok if guns point out. The only think I hate more than gun violence is domestic gun violence. I don't mind if people own guns. All for it, but you can't aim it at any living creature within US borders. So basically guns can only be operated US borders or 20 miles of the coast. Sorry Mexicans.

•Good news for Mexicans! Wal*Mart's coming! That's right I say the US should do away with NAFTA and just outright buy Mexico. Aliens already here will become full citizens (or slaves depending on the purchase contract). Americans will get an LA the stretches all the way down teh west coast to house all the 15-minute stars that YouTube produces and a lot of vacationing resort. And Mangos. Best of all the Guatamala-US border wall will be much cheaper to build than the current Tancredo proposal.

New York moves next to Hawaii. I would add that they also become seperate countries, but that would be too much of a loss in tourist revenue. Perhaps they get to make their own laws as long as we get a profit cut.

Dispose of Nukes into the sun. We all know that nuclear bombs are dangerous, and the sun will eventually burn out. Why not prevent our own demise 2-fold by disposing of nukes and giving the sun a few more hours of fuel. Rocket fuel too much of a risk? Use a solar rocket that, it will just go faster as it gets closer tot he sun.

•All property and income taxes to be paid in pennies, by hand ...personally. In fact all payment shall be made this way. People will be a little more hesitant to splurge. Rich people will get so sick of carrying around huge sacks of coins all the time that they'll gladly hand it over to some able-bodied blue collar workers with mouths to feed.

Did I mention the Free Puppies and iPods?

*Look out, Un-United States of Africa!

Monday, October 1, 2007


Peopel who belive violence is necessary are only seeing a small part of the picture. If you think about the root of violent act, they usually originate out of the need to take something from someone else. People use force to take others' resources, labors, or whatever. When people say violence is necessary for survival they assume that there isn't enough of something to go around (oil, food, etc). However, most estimates of worldwide resources and production potential exceed the needs of the current population . If supplies were evenly distributed, that is. So basically if we redirected our efforts from fighting and hording towards distribution and greater productivity everyone would be sitting pretty.

Now, the question is what shall be the social mechanism(s) by which to achieve this goal.